LESSONS IN THE SHADOWS

I shared a story not long ago with a mentor friend of mine. In my life, I spent a single day on an organized athletic team. What I realized on that day was that I was not an athlete. My dad had been an all-state distance runner in high school and as an adult, he was the track coach for the local Jr./Sr. High School as well as a marathon runner with a best time of around 2 hrs. 50 min. (6.5 min/mile). He had high hopes for me. I was very tall and lean and he thought I could be a great distance runner as well. The first day of track practice, the assignment was 8 laps (2 miles) around the track as efficiently as you could do it. I jogged very slowly but I was one of very few students who never stopped to walk. I made it 2 miles – I had never done it before and I have never done it since. I quit the team that day. My dad, who had looked forward to my participation for many years, let me. Though I was one of very few who finished without stopping, I determined that I had a strange gait that in time would make me the subject of ridicule. I was humiliated to the point of tears though the only words spoken to me that day by my teammates were sincere congratulations for having the endurance to make it all the way on day 1. I was 13, horribly shy and self-conscious, a complete stranger to everyone on the team since I didn’t attend the school, and I could see my shadow for one length of every lap. I determined from that shadow that I looked odd as I ran around that track. As I shared this story with my friend, he looked at me quizzically and said, “And you don’t see a metaphor in that anywhere?” Blank stare. I can be pretty slow on the up-take and in that moment, I saw nothing. In my mind, I had made a legitimate determination about myself that day. I had never before stopped to consider the weak evidence I used to make it. I based my ability and my worth as an athlete upon a completely distorted image of myself – a shadow. Furthermore, I attributed judgment to total strangers who gave me no indication of anything but acceptance. The humiliation I felt was very real. My dad would have been slow to let me walk away had he not observed my extreme distress and trepidation at the thought of going back. All because of a shadow. Sadly, it became a pattern in my life. Metaphorically, there were lots of shadows, and when I saw them, I assumed everyone else did as well. Even as an adult, I routinely attribute judgment to people who make none. I recoil, withdraw, and have to find courage to face people who have never had a bad thought toward me. Since I became aware of this phenomenon, I’ve noticed it many times and I’ve tried to combat it with a more objective, less distorted view. It is a process. How about you? Any shadows preventing you from achieving your potential? Psalm 139:13-16 For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother's womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well. My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them.