ONLY GOD COULD

Three and a half years ago, I was standing in my yard on a beautiful February day, looking at the sky and marveling at the goodness of God. I was in awe at both the quantity and quality of the friends and acquaintances that form my ‘village.’ The blessing of the supportive network of people I have had the privilege to get to know in this community through Awana, church, and homeschooling overwhelmed me. Then out of nowhere, something occurred to me that I had never thought about before. It was almost as if a voice broke into that very pleasant thought and said, “You have friends everywhere you go. You know people at every church. But you have no relationship with your own pastor.”

I didn’t have one because I didn’t want one. Pastors had long made me nervous and I had very little in common with mine. His politics drove me crazy and I really didn’t think he approved of some of the choices that formed a very big part of my life. I had managed to mostly avoid him for more than 12 years, but now I was certain God was telling me to take down the wall I had built between us.

I emailed him to request an appointment and I showed up at his office for the very first time a few days later. I don’t think I have ever been more nervous. Just being in close proximity to him always caused a panic attack, and now I somehow needed to push through my racing heart and convey that I was there because I wanted to learn to like him. It seemed like a potentially problematic way to kick-off a friendship.

What God knew that I didn’t was that news would break within days of that meeting that would completely dismantle the foundation I had built my life upon. All the things I thought I knew would come apart, and I would come to question nearly every truth that had formed the basis of my faith my whole life. I suddenly found myself in need of someone whose theological foundation was completely different from my own because I couldn’t trust mine anymore. It was a very insecure feeling to have to question things I had always just accepted. Having someone whose theology was anchored firmly in Scripture and who wasn’t afraid to admit he didn’t have all the answers, was exactly the lifeline I needed when my faith was set adrift and I was forced to rebuild from the ground up.

He was the Spiritual guide God knew I would need in those months. He provided answers to all of my questions by email because my fear of pastors made it difficult for me to actually talk to him in person. Over the next two years, I would only walk into his office two more times, primarily on business matters. But during those years, God used him to challenge my long held notion that there were things about myself that were simply ‘unchangeable.’

Almost exactly two years after the first time I walked into his office, I did something I never thought I could do. I sought counseling for my anxiety issues. Seeing a counselor was something I didn’t think my personality would allow, but I was pleasantly surprised by the outcome of that process. I found it very beneficial and through it, I almost completely conquered my fear of pastors, among other things. However, I was convinced I would never want to see him outside the confines of that professional relationship ever again. He knew too much and I didn’t think I could get past that. But I did and just a few months later, we became business associates.

A week ago, I met him at a coffee shop for the very first time. We had some business to discuss but the funny thing is, it didn’t feel like a business meeting. It felt like catching up with a friend. There was no panic attack. No hint of anxiety. No shame. No embarrassment. It has not been a quick or easy process, but today when I thank God for all the amazing relationships he has given me in this community, the one that originally stood out for what it lacked, today stands out for all that it has brought to my life.

Happy 60th Birthday to my spiritual mentor, counselor, colleague, and finally friend. A decade ago, a different person with my name attended your 50th birthday. Only God could transform a life so completely. The best thing you ever taught me was to do the next thing God showed me. One of the best things He ever showed me was my need for a pastor.