A Note of Thanks

Four and a half years ago, God did a work in my life and many of you received a message from me which said, in part:

“In many ways, God has blessed me beyond measure and He has led me into ministry areas that have brought me a great deal of fulfillment and I know they were His leading. Somewhere along the way, I took too much responsibility for their success and in doing so, I took too much credit for their success… God gave me so much vision for what could be and He gave me the gifts and insight that allowed them to flourish but my identity became wrapped up in them. The fear of failure became overwhelming because if they failed, I failed... I can’t take credit for the success of these ministries and I can’t take responsibility for their failure either. Whether they ebb and flow or even cease to exist is in His hands. I’m investing my God given gifts in God’s ministry not my ministry and that is an important distinction.

While I have been a capable leader of the operational aspects of Awana and our homeschool group, I have been far less capable on the spiritual side... I trust you will hear my heart and understand that I believe this is a turning point in my life and things will be different going forward.

One burden that has been particularly heavy is the responsibility for the success of our new Co-op. There are so many doors that have to open for it to work and I’ve been timid about knocking on some of them for fear they would slam shut. Even if all the doors open, there is still the real possibility that we won’t have the numbers to make it happen. I’ve analyzed our odds over and over and some days, I think we have it made, and some days, I think we may crash and burn. I was fearful to try because I was afraid of failing in your eyes. I felt like expectations might be higher than I could deliver. My outlook has changed. I’m going to go forward with all the plans but I want everyone to understand that if God opens the doors and brings the numbers, this will happen, and if He does not, it will not. I’m no longer steering this ship. It is in better hands...

You are all the greatest blessings God has given me through both of these ministries and I value your friendships and appreciate all the help and support you have provided over the years. This has always been a team effort and as they say, there is no ‘I’ in team. Going forward, I hope you will see less of me and more of us but mostly Him.”

At that time, NHA was just an idea but I had floated that idea for long enough that I felt obligated to follow through and it seemed too big for me. In my life, failure was never an option so anything that I couldn’t control enough to assure its success was not an option either. I like to be able to do it all. I didn’t want to have to depend on anyone including God.

My life changed at that time. In fact, it was the most radical change I have ever experienced and it was the beginning of a season that continues to this day. I’ve had to learn to live in a state of dependence on many other people and on God. The journey off the deep end has been exciting and scary and rewarding and stressful and so completely out of control and I hate it and I love it and I’ve leaned into God in ways I never would have otherwise. I still miss the mark, but He keeps taking me deeper. Many of you have spoken into my life, not just with encouragement, but also challenging me when you see me veering off course and I need that and appreciate it.

There has been loss during this time and things I counted on to be there aren’t there and I feel that absence. But when I look at the list of people who received that letter 4.5 years ago, I am so humbled by the fact that you are all still here and we’ve picked up a few more over the years.

You listen to me complain about the minor annoyances of the day to day. You pick up the slack every time I over-commit and can’t do it all. You work tirelessly week after week, year after year to make it all happen where it matters most – with the kids.

Looking back, the success has certainly eclipsed the vision. God delivered far bigger things than I ever dreamed and the people we’ve had the privilege of getting to know along the way have been such an incredible blessing.

I never stop thinking it could all end tomorrow. If even 30% of our students don’t re-enroll for the next semester, our classes could lose viability and we may not be able to pay our rent. One hallmark of homeschoolers is their need to mix things up. Large numbers will always come and go. So far, more have come than gone but that could turn around at any point. We have built strategic partnerships with charter programs that help minimize our risk but it is really out of our control to a large extent, and so we depend on God and we know that whatever happens, we will be OK. At this Thanksgiving season, I want to thank all of you for continuing to support me and NHA and Awana and for being so insanely dependable. We’ve built these things together and we keep them going together and I am so grateful to you for allowing me to be the front-man all these years and for buying into my ideas even when they were really just big talk. I’ve been in ‘mind blown’ territory for so many years now that it has become the new normal, but please know I don’t take it for granted. I depend on so many for so much and I am eternally grateful.